This page contains affiliate links. Read more.

Location: My so-called garden, Bergen – Western Norway
Date: June 1, 2026
Observer: A pathetic expat who still thinks he can tame nature

It has now been four years since I, in a fit of optimism and middle-class delirium, laid new sod. Four years. That’s longer than many marriages last in this country.

Read also The Norwegian Matpakke

The result? An area of about 250 square meters that now consists exclusively of an exceptionally lush, dense, and almost pornographically green moss. It’s not even ordinary, run-of-the-mill moss. No, this is premium moss. Michelin-star moss.

It looks like it’s on steroids. Grass? Not a single pitiful blade. Not even a measly little tuft trying. It’s as if the grass is looking at me, saying “fuck this” and moving over to the neighbor’s.

I’ve fed it lime, sand, grass seed from three different suppliers (including one that promised “robust Norwegian lawn”), and finally, in desperation, something I bought at the landscaping department that cost more than a week’s worth of groceries. The moss just laughs. With a chuckle.

It’s actually impressive. In a way, I’ve managed to create a monoculture. Just not the monoculture I had in mind, but I’ve become a successful moss grower. Maybe I should apply for a grant from the Norwegian Directorate of Agriculture. “Innovative production of non-edible, extremely damp ground cover.”

The neighbor (that annoyingly perfect Norwegian neighbor with a lawn that looks like Wimbledon) poked his head over the fence yesterday and said, with his usual mix of sympathy and hidden schadenfreude: “Yeah, there’s a lot of moss here when it’s shady and the soil is acidic.”
Thanks, Knut. Very helpful. Next time I’ll just lay down moss from the start and save myself four years of humiliation and 3,800 kroner in various products that are now sitting in the garage, forming their own little ironic garden.

But honestly, it’s actually pretty nice. In a depressing way. Soft. Even. Green all year round. Requires zero mowing. Maybe this is nature’s way of telling me I should give up my need for control and accept that I’m really just an American who owns an expensive moss garden.

Fine. I surrender.
Next year I’ll plant ferns and call it a “Japanese-inspired shade-garden.” Then I can pretend that was the plan all along.

Over and out.

RECORDED BY: Dave // BERGEN , 2026